Welcome to Me movie quotes tell the story of an unstable woman who wins the lottery and buys her own talk show. The comedy film was written by Eliot Laurence and directed by Shira Piven. Produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, among others, Welcome to Me opened in theaters on May 1, 2015.
In Welcome to Me, Alice Klieg (Kristen Wiig) suffers from borderline personality disorder but has long aspired to be just like her idol, Oprah Winfrey. So when Alice wins $85 million in the California Lottery, she sees an opportunity to do just that. After an awkward press conference claiming her winnings, Alice meets with Hollywood producers to pitch her talk show where she's talk about herself and write a check to cover production costs at a cool $15 million.
Despite entering each show on a swan boat and cooking things like delicious meatloaf cake, Alice doesn't see the initial success of her show that she hoped. To make matters worse, the studio executives (including James Marsden, Wes Bentley and Joan Cusack) are not loving her show and her unrelenting quest for fame is taking its toll on her relationships with her family members (including Linda Cardellini and Alan Tudyk) and her therapist (Tim Robbins).
Welcome to Me brings some laughs to theaters already packed with other films including Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Water Diviner, Adult Beginners, The Age of Adaline and True Story.
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Meatloaf Cake!
Alice Klieg: Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake!
Rich: What's the next piece?
Producer: No, we're on this for a while.
...
Rich: We have a few bumps to iron out.
Alice Klieg: Why doesn't it look like Oprah?
Producer: Cause you ate a cake made out of hamburger.
Alice doesn't seem to understand why her show is not as successful as that of her idol, Oprah Winfrey. As it has to be painfully explained to her, the meatloaf cake has a little to do with it.
Do Something Great, Something Unique
Oprah Winfrey: [on the television] Everybody comes to our beautiful planet earth
Alice Klieg and Oprah Winfrey: [in unison] to do something great, something unique, something that only you were born to do.
Alice is convinced that she has one purpose in life and that purpose is to be just like Oprah. Soon, she might have an opportunity to do just that.
I'm a Winner at Any Time
Lottery Hostess: 14, there's 57, 15 and 54 and 39
...
California Lottery Recording: Thanks for calling the California Lottery. If you're calling to report a winning, just say, 'I'm a winner' at any time.
Alice Klieg: I'm a winner at any time.
...
Alice Klieg: I was born in the year 1971 in Simi Valley, California, and I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.
Alice wins a massive lottery prize but her phone call to the lottery office and subsequent press conference to accept her prize show that she might not be the most stable person to trust with $86 million. What's the worst that could happen?
She Won the Lottery?
Gabe: Now, I'd like to get a volunteer from the audience. What's your name?
Alice Klieg: My name is Alice Klieg. I won 86 million dollars.
Producer: She really won the lottery? Really? Can someone Google that?
When Alice is asked to volunteer during a taping of a talk show, she doesn't hesitate to announce her recent windfall. This sparks the interest of the producers who want to know more about her.
You're Off Your Meds
Alice Klieg: They're almonds.
Dr. Moffat: All right, leave the almonds on the floor. I can clean them up after the session.
Alice Klieg: Would it make you feel better if you were eating too.
Dr. Moffat: This eating is not working for me. The food is distracting from the work.
Alice Klieg: I have to eat because of my new relationship with glucose.
Dr. Moffat: All right, you can have a snack at five of two and another one at 2:50 but please stop eating in session... So, like Oprah but with a swan boat.
Alice Klieg: A talk show
Dr. Moffat: Hosted by?
Alice Klieg: Me
Dr. Moffat: Hosted by you?
Alice Klieg: Yeah
Dr. Moffat: All right, well, how about a little recap? Incase you missed last week's episode of the Alice Klieg Show...
Alice Klieg: That's not what it's called. That's not the name of it.
Dr. Moffat: You're off your meds, you just spent 15 million dollars, you're living in a reservation casino and you're hosting your own talk show... I thought I asked you not to eat.
Alice Klieg: It's a banana. It's in its own container.
In speaking with her therapist, Alice fails to see the errors of her ways. She's eating when he asked her not to, living in a casino and spending millions on a ludicrous talk show, and doesn't see much wrong with any of that.
You're on TV Now
Stage Tech: We go live in five, four, three...
Rich: What is she doing?
Producer: I think she's a little frozen.
Gabe: You're on TV now.
Alice Klieg: Hello, I'm Alice Klieg and welcome to Me.
Alice's first episode of her talk show doesn't exactly start too well. Luckily, after a little coaching, she get the hang of it.
I Want a Talk Show
Rich: You must be the big winner. Hi, I'm Rich.
Alice Klieg: Me too!
...
Alice Klieg: I want a talk show with me as the host.
Producer: You want to talk about current events?
Alice Klieg: No
Gabe: Then what kind of stuff do you want to talk about?
Alice Klieg: Me... How much will that cost?
Rich: 15 million dollars
Alice Klieg: Oh, and I want to come in on a swan boat.
Alice pitches her idea for a talk show, where she would talk about herself, after arriving in a swan boat, of course, to the television executives. They think she's nuts but when she writes a check for $15 million without blinking an eye, they know she's serious.