Ted 2 movie quotes provide another chapter of the story about one man and his teddy bear that came to life. The comedy film was directed by Seth MacFarlane using a screenplay he co-wrote with Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild. Ted 2 opened in theaters on June 26, 2015.
In Ted 2, living teddy bear Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) is marrying his grocery store love Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) and eager to have a baby with her. But Ted and Tami-Lynn soon learn that not only has the Massachusetts Government annulled their marriage, but they are not allowing Ted to be a legal father of their child until he can prove that he is a real person, not a stuffed toy.
So, along with lifetime friend John (Mark Wahlberg), Ted hires a beautiful attorney, Samantha L. Jackson (Amanda Seyfried), and begins suing the government for his civil rights. The battle will be a tough one, especially as it means Ted will have to prove he's a productive citizen, not a pot-smoking immature drain on society.
Also starring the likes of Morgan Freeman, John Slattery, Giovanni Ribisi and Patrick Warburton, Ted 2 opens alongside other highly anticipated summer movies including Inside Out, Jurassic World, The Overnight, and Dope.
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Grrr, Mondays
Ted: Hey, Johnny, you did it!
John: Right here, buddy!
Ted: Catch!
John: What the? Dude, that's somebody's kid! Dude, it's in my eyes! I'm blinking it in!
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, I'm going to take a picture, post it on Facebook.
John: What?
Ted: Hashtag grrr, Mondays
At the sperm donor clinic, Ted and John get themselves into a sticky situation when some hijinks make quite the mess. While John lays in pain of sperm in his eyes, Ted takes a breather to make a Facebook post.
Prove You're a Person in a Court of Law
Tami-Lynn: Oh my god, Teddy, look at this. It says if we want to have a baby, you're gonna have to prove you're a person in a court of law.
Ted: This is a nightmare.
...
John: We gotta fight it. We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue the government for your civil rights.
Tami-Lynn and Ted get some bad news in that the Massachusetts Government has annulled their marriage and will not allow them to have a baby until Ted establishes his personhood. John is ready for that battle, including hiring an attorney and suing the government.
Do You Believe You Have a Soul?
Samantha: Ted, do you believe you have a soul?
Ted: [singing] What did you think I would do at this moment?
Lawyer: Objection!
Judge: Overruled!
When asked in court if Ted thinks he has a soul, he responds with some soul music. Usually, this nonsense would be thrown out of court, but this is a comedy movie so anything goes.
A Cookie Crisp in That Guy's Ass Crack
Diner Customer: Where the hell is my coffee? You're not building rockets! Figure it out!
Ted: What a prick!
John: $20 I can toss a cookie crisp in that guy's ass crack.
Ted: Do it!
John: I'm gonna do it!
Diner Customer: Who did that?
Ted: Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old child. Bad boy! You sit there and eat your fish nuggets!
John: Fishy nuggie!
When Ted, John and Samantha encounter a rude diner patron, they do the adult thing and toss cereal in the man's butt crack. Unsurprisingly, the man doesn't react well but luckily for Ted and John, the man is also blind.
Tami-Lynn and I Are Going to Have a Baby
Ted: So I got some big news. Tami-Lynn and I are going to have a baby.
John: That's awesome! Wait, how do you guys...
Ted: We need a sperm donor.
Ted announces that he and wife, Tami-Lynn, are going to have a baby, but they need a sperm donor first. Best friend John seems up for the job, but Ted will need more than just sperm to have this baby.
Sam L. Jackson
Samantha: I'm Samantha Jackson. You must be Ted.
Ted: Uh, yeah, Samantha Jackson, what's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie
Ted: Oh my god, you're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great, I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson!
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
...
Samantha: They've denied you the same rights as everybody else, just because you're different.
Ted: Can you get me my life back?
When Ted and John meet their young, beautiful female attorney, it does not take them long to notice her good looks. Soon though the talk turns to her name, which they seem to have heard somewhere before.
A Few Test Questions
Samantha: All right, I'm going to ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yep, bring it on.
Samantha: You're on the stand, the DA says, 'Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?'
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled!
Ted: Sidebar!
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation!
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff!
John: Briefcase!
Ted: Disregard!
John: In my chambers!
Ted: Stop beavering the witness!
John: I rest.
Ted: We can totally be lawyers.
A prep session for when Ted has to go to court turns into quite the charade in Samantha's office. What 'beavering the witness' has to do with anything is another charade entirely.
Tom Brady?
Ted: Think how awesome this baby will be.
John: Tom Brady?
Ted: Two MVPs, guaranteed Hall of Famer. Now let's give him a hand job into this cup... Whoa, and that's at rest!
Tom Brady: What the hell? Get out of my house and take your damn bear with you!
John: A perfect spiral!
In need of some sperm, Ted and John sneak into NFL legend Tom Brady's house. While they are impressed with what Brady is hiding under the covers, Brady is not impressed to see them in his bedroom.
Happily Ever After
Narrator: Happily ever after only exists in fairy tales. Yet a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, proving that Americans don't give a crap about anything.
The narrator (Patrick Stewart) gives a quick introduction to the film. While this is no fairy tale, it is about a talking teddy bear getting married, which should say enough about America's devotion to quality filmmaking.
Getting Ready
Ted: What is that? What are you doing?
John: Getting ready, dude
Ted: Getting ready, what do you mean? What are you doing with your hand?
John: I'm doing this for you so when I get in there, I can just bust it out.
Ted: What do you think you're at a Red Lobster?
While Ted and John wait to be seen at the sperm clinic, John takes the time to prepare himself for his upcoming donation. Ted cannot believe John would touch himself in public like that, but interestingly enough sees no fault in doing that sort of thing in a seafood restaurant.